I sometimes look into the mirror and just say “Whatever you do, please don’t give up!”
I don’t know where that feeling comes from yet. But I kinda like it.
The (female) courier encounters Vulpes Inculta for the first time in Nipton.
Vulpes Inculta: Corrupt people will be horribly punished by the legion..
Courier: Yah that sounds cool.. I might join the legion!
The (still female) courier gets the mark of caesar and goes to the Fort.
Courier: yo I’m looking for Caesar, I got this little thingy saying he wants to talk to me.
Legion member: looking for you? You sure? He hasn’t talked to an inferior being in a while. You’re a woman for god’s sake!
Courier: *I swear I will kill every single one of you in a horrible way before this game ends*
Oh and then I also crucified Benny. It was so very satisfying. The reason? Nobody calls me babe without my permission!
It breaks my heart everytime I think about how I haven’t forgiven myself for the abuse I lived.
There is a huge difference between KNOWING I’m not guilty and FEELING it. I can’t start working on accepting and liking myself if I don’t forgive myself first.
So what’s the next step? How do I do that?
There is a distance.. between me and life. And a distance between me and every other living creature.
It’s an infinite void. Its emptiness is dark and thick like tar. An opaque fog I keep trying to swim through. But the Distance is like human stupidity, it’s infinite. How can my body contain it? I cannot know. It’s not a matter of flesh. When I touch someone’s face, I touch the tar. When I speak with someone about matters of my heart, it echoes back to me a million times. The fabric of my discource is lost in the thickness of darkness and the person to whom it is destined only receives a thread, a mere general idea of what it’s trying to convey.
I am the starting point of my mind. And my mind is the starting point of the Distance. But she only has the lenght of her arms to reach out. She can walk. Sometimes she runs around seeking something to cling to. Something to relate to. The darkness is oppressive.
The Distance says you can’t connect to them, they are too far away.
I feel my mind starts to panic. She gets the message and it really scares her. I start to panic, in the middle of this thick heavy darkness. I scream and the sound of my voice echoes in my head.
“Those who haven’t gone through it will never understand”
I lay down floating in the middle of The Distance. I wonder if I’ll ever feel the connection I long for. If all the effort of recovery is actually taking me closer to the world, because I can’t see through the darkness, I don’t know where I’m going. My ship navigates an infinite sea not knowing if it will ever hit land.