It all started on saturday when I received my new book, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. I had ordered it on amazon because there is NO decent DBT skills book in ANY language other than english (ok I don’t know EVERY language other than english but I searched at least in spanish and french… no no.. no borderlines in spanish or french, they only speak english apparently..). Since I couldn’t find any DBT therapy on this fucking city (did I mention I don’t like this city?) I decided to start it on my own and see what I could do.
I started reading it right away. The first chapter is about Basic Distress Tolerance Skills (ya know, disctract and sooth the shit out of your mind). I fell asleep halway through it because with my medication I can’t stay awake while reading. Before I would read for hours non stop… On saturday I slept from 2 to 7pm after reading 12 fucking pages. I hate myself. BDT starts well. I woke up cause my mom was calling me and stuff. Then I finished the chapter and did my little lists (distress tolerance skills to use at home or somewhere else).
I spent the rest of the weekend kinda proud of me until I looked around and saw how much of a shithole my appartment was.
Anyway I had the first opportunity to put my list to the test half hour ago when I was coming back from the theater. Midnight, walking alone on the streets. I walk for 20 minutes from that metro to get home. That’s a very stressful situation for me. And then, suddenly, the most ridiculous borderline shit happens to me: I triggered myself like an idiot. Yes all alone. I started thinking about how my mom reacted to the news of my cousins abusing me and how she still had the nerve to tell me “family is the MOST important thing in life” (I like my mom but really.. sometimes I just want to punch her right in the face). So I started getting insanely angry at… at nothing really at the air around me. Life. People. Everything. I wanted to BURRRRRRRRRRRN EVERYTHING.
And then I remembered my list. I started distracting myself by counting my footsteps. Then I stopped. It was raining. I closed my eyes and started listening to the sound of water falling down. I got so focused on it that I almost forgot about what got me so mad. And I relaxed. Until I realized I was outside at midnight alone with my eyes closed and imagined a guy coming behind me to rape me. So I speedwalked the rest of the way home.. But I did feel better and now, instead of having a huge anxiety/anger crisis all by myself, I’m writing this.
Ah and I also could take the time to wash the dishes when I got home! yay me! (It is important to note that the dishes had not been washed for the past two weeks. When I got home it smelled like someone died in here).
So yeah.. I think I won my very first small battle today. There is still a long way and I still have to practice a lot more. But It going to be ok. I guess.